(This archived content from a previous blog is being added for posterity, 25Jan2011. Ed.)
Ahh, the first rant in my new blog.
While I’m generally a pretty laid back guy, there are a number of things which just get under my skin and the only way for me to feel better about them is to rant & rave until my urge to fucking kill somebody subsides. So, without further ado, HOV Lanes.
For those of you who don’t know, (and I’m certain there must be plenty of you), HOV stands for High Occupancy Vehicle. An HOV Lane is a lane designed for traffic use by vehicles which carry a disproportionately high ratio of passengers:available occupancy. In other words, a car pool lane. The original intent, (what’s that old adage about the road to hell?), was to provide a measure of encouragement to drivers who do something to minimize traffic, and by extension pollution and resource depletion. So, motorcycles, busses, alternative fuel vehicles and the original car pool vehicles get to ride in the nice and relatively free flowing HOV Lane while all of the single drivers sit still in bumper to bumper traffic.
During morning and evening rush hour, (locally 7a-9a and 3p-7p), qualified vehicles may use the HOV Lane while unqualified vehicles get a whopping $500 ticket. My own wife was once party to such a ticket and learned that lesson the hard way. Still, some never get a ticket. Such are the vagaries of life in metropolitan traffic.
So, by now you’re wondering what the hell I plan on ranting about? Well, I’ll be more than happy to tell you. People who don’t belong in it! Now, I recognize that the whole key to doing something you shouldn’t relies on not getting caught. Occasionally breaking a traffic law is a victimless crime, for the most part. What I’m specifically referring to are the handful of assholes who regularly and blatantly disregard the rules for MY LANE, (I ride a motorcycle every single day, ran or shine. So, yes, it’s MINE!), and become anything from a mild nuisance to a genuine threat to my health and welfare.
#1- <strong>The MiniVan</strong>. You fucking jackholes are a waste of my space to begin with, but when you jump in my lane and use it simply because you have a single child seat in the back, you have got to be kidding me! You are using a carpool lane to drive your infant-toddler around town while you go shopping? That is the biggest joke and among the worst of my peeves regarding HOV Lane traffic. Your infant does NOT qualify you for HOV status. The intent of the lane it to decrease traffic. Your infant cannot drive and therefore violates the intent of the lane in the first place. I will grant those of you parents who share the driving duties with other parents. If your MiniVan, <em>*shudder*</em>, is chock full of other parent’s brats, then at least you are making SOME effort to keep all of those parents from congesting the highway to whatever soccer game, mall outing or school function they have to get to. Having a brood of your own, (yes, I’m looking at you Mormons and other breeding factories who can’t stop at just enough kids to replace mom & dad), does not constitute use of the HOV Lane.
#2- <strong>The Slow Poke</strong>. While this may include valid and non-valid users of the lane, regardless of validity you need to pull your head out of your ass and press your foot down on the accelerator. You are merging from dead stop traffic into a high speed lane. That does not mean you enter it like granny gum taking a bowel movement. Get your ass in that lane quickly and drive like you’ve got a pair. Otherwise you’re likely to become someone else’s hood ornament. The fact that by law you are generally not considered at fault because you are in front does not mitigate the fact that you are a fucking asshat.
#3- <strong>The No-Signal User</strong>. You wastes of space think that just because the lane APPEARS free that you can jump in at a whim. While most drivers are so totally predictable in their actions as to make driving in traffic feel like playing chess as a grandmaster, there are a few of you who defy any convention of predictability. For the love of Mike, use a damn signal once in awhile. Suddenly seeing someone jumping into MY LANE right in front of me without so much as a single blinking light is pretty damn harrowing. Assuming I don’t become one with your trunk or leave a nice big scrap down the left side of your vehicle, you should understand that THIS is why I have just flipped you the bird as I zoom by.
#4- <strong>The Self-Important Jackhole</strong>. While I’m the first to admit that I am bloated with my own sense of self superiority, I do occasionally know when to be humble. This particular class of cocksmoker, in his/her 7 series BMW or Hummer, thinks that the sun rises and sets at their whim and that they fart perfume and shit chocolate gelato. With nose held high, they blithely zip in and out of whatever lane they choose. Be it ignorance or apathy, they simply do not give a rat’s ass about anything around them unless if scratches their precious paint job or inconveniences their commute. I really wish that I could ignore you like you ignore me, but I cannot because if I do you’ll paste me against some other vehicle or concrete divider. Pull your head out of your ass!
As a cyclist, I’m forced to view life and traffic a little differently. I do not have the luxury of 6 air bags, vehicle stability assist and anti-lock brakes to take care of me in my ignorance. I have to take care of myself, making each thrilling moment of my time in traffic both exhilarating and harrowing. All I ask from my fellow motorists is to pay a little bit more attention and realize that we cyclists are always out there.
